Grupunzel and the Absentminded Witch

There once was a girl name Grupunzel. Grupunzel was a carefree girl with a short attention span who wasn't very bright, but she was very beautiful. One day she was outside and grew tired of tromping through her mother's flowers and decided to go tromping through her neighbor's flowers instead. Unfortunately for Grupunzel, her neighbor was a wicked witch and when she caught Grupunzel tromping through her flowers she threatened to turn her and her family into toads.

Grupunzel (who really despised toads) was beside herself with sadness and she cried great big tears until the witch cut her a deal. She either became a toad or become the witch's prisoner for life. Grupunzel was very ignorant of the carefree life of toads. All she knew was that she did not want to be stinky and have to eat bugs, nor did she want this for her family. So she agreed to become the witch's prisoner.

The witch was old, ugly, and very absentminded. For all these reasons, and perhaps too because she was wicked, she was also lonely. She had a brilliant plan to use Grupunzel to lure handsome princes into her home where she could put spells on them and have her way with them. These types of spells were fairly week and required an expectation of beauty and a fine meal, and they always wore off after a few days. The witch's plan was to lure the princes with Grupunzel's beauty. Then she would feed them a fine meal with a promise to introduce them to the beautiful girl (who she would keep in a tower.) Then she would zap them and have her way with them.

The witch, knowing of no other way to contain Grupunzel and wanting her voice to be heard from afar and her pretty face to also be seen from afar, set to build a a very tall tower with no doors or staircase. She planned to keep Grupunzel in there until her hair grew long enough to use as a rope. This way there never had to be any tricky business with a ladder except one time - when she placed Grupunzel in the tower. She had the tower built in a secret and remote location so that no one would find Grupunzel who wasn't supposed to.

Grupunzel, who was deftly afraid of heights, cried the whole way up and the witch had to poke her in the behind with a twig to urge her forward. Once they made it to the top the witch explained to Grupunzel what was expected of her. While she was explaining a large bird landed on the ladder outside, distracting Grupunzel who still had a short attention span. The witch tried to shoo the bird away and when it would not go she zapped it with a bit of magic. The bird was so startled that it tried to fly away with the ladder. It only made it 5 feet, but it was enough. The ladder fell away from the tower.

Grupunzel's hair was no where near long enough to climb down and the best the witch could manage was a few choice words about how that was why she didn't want to use a damn ladder in the first place. Absentminded as she was, she did not have her spell book with her, and the only spell she had ever successfully memorized besides a few defenses spells (like the zap spell) was how to turn dust into cheese.

So the witch and Grupunzel wasted away their days eating lots of cheese, playing a lot of card games, and waiting for Grupunzel's hair to grow. It was very dull and Grupunzel whined often. At least, thought the witch, she had bothered to pipe indoor plumbing up to the top. Because of all the cheese and sitting around (there was a treadmill in the corner but neither of them touched it) Grupunzel and the witch grew very fat and constipated. Even if Grupunzel's hair was long enough to climb down there was no way that witch was fitting through the window.

Grupunzel was forced to often sit by the window and sing in hopes that a prince, preferably a prince but soon ANYONE would do, would come by with a ladder and at least let the witch down. But no one came, even though Grupunzel was still a very beautiful large woman. The witch began to realize that perhaps the location she had picked for the tower was too remote, too secret. No one ever seemed to come by, least of all anyone with a ladder.

After a few years Grupunzel and the witch were thoroughly sick of each other. Grupunzel was sick of the witch, sick of the tower room, sick of cards, sick of the view, and very, very, very sick of cheese. The witch felt the same way, but in addition had to listen to Grupunzel whine so often, she very nearly remembered a muting spell - until she remembered Grupunzel needed her voice to lure in strangers of goodwill.

Then one day they heard a slight cracking sound. Grupunzel thought the witch had flatulence, but before the witch could deny it some bit of the ceiling fell. Then there was a tremor and more shaking. The tower was collapsing under the weight of Grupunzel and the witch. They had surpassed the weight capacity and the their heavy steps were finally going to bring it down.

The tower collapsed and their fat and a really large and plush mattress protected them from death. They rolled around on their backs trying to free themselves. The effort was too much for the witch who had started out much fatter and older than Grupunzel, and she had a heart attack and died. Grupunzel was at first happy, she was finally free. But she found she could not stand up without help - and wouldn't you know it, a prince came by. He happened to be lost. With the help of his horse he pulled her to her feet. In her happiness she told him the whole true story. The prince listened keeping his eyebrows creased at the more disturbing parts.

He took her on a long journey (it wasn't far they just had to move slowly) to his kingdom. The journey was hard and there was little to eat and Grupunzel began to lose weight. She liked her new found flexibility and the changing scenery so much that she vowed to become an explorer. She worked out relentlessly. And because she was so glad to talk to ANYONE who wasn't the witch she talked to EVERYONE. She became very known in the kingdom, then very popular, and the pride started to go to her head. She moved to a different kingdom, changed a few details in her story and changed her name to Rupunzel. She married the handsome prince there and lead many great adventures. She also made millions selling custom made work out videos and she never ate cheese again.

The End

Moral: It's never too late for a new you even after you gain 800 pounds from eating nothing but cheese.

Indiffernt Ivan and Impolite Patricia

Everyone knows Curious George. Few people know of his cousin: Indifferent Ivan. Ivan was an adorable monkey. In fact he was even cuter than his famed cousin and even people who really did not like monkeys would have to pause and admire him for his cuteness.

Ivan, however, did not care. It wasn't that he didn' t like people... he just... didn't like people. He didn't dislike people either though. He was simply indifferent. This caused even the most enthusiastic admirers to loose interest in him after a few moments. It is only so long that one can admire a stuffed animal or a pretty scenery and Ivan was, if possible, less satisfying to admire.

Ivan spent his days eating bananas, ignoring admirers, and breathing. He had been passed along among so many different handlers he wasn't sure which person it was that he technically belonged to. Even the man in the Yellow Hat tried to take him in, expecting that Ivan would have a positive affect on George. He even left them home alone together, but when he returned Ivan was there staring at the wall and George was off causing shenanigans at the Opera House.

So the man with the Yellow Hat passed him off as well. Eventually Ivan ended up with a very rich and dull man who gave Ivan to his niece as a gift. Patricia was a wild, insatiable brat, who always got her way. It would seem then that Ivan was suited perfectly for her as no other animal would put up with her games of dress up and hide and seek and whatever else she wanted to make him do.

What people did not understand about Patricia however was that she wasn't a brat because she lacked an understanding for the emotions of others, but because she love chaos. She didn't really care about dress up or ponies or expensive shoes. She demanded those things, and only those things, that she suspected were hard or annoying to come by. She liked to see people suffer. Not in a physical bone breaking sense, but in an emotional stressed sense. She adored a furrowed brow, a forced smile, and she was thrilled at anyone who tried to argue at her. Screaming matches were always her goal.

When she had demanded a monkey for her birthday it was for the same reason that she demanded everything. She hadn't expected them to actually pull that one off, but when they did she got a little excited. She had heard of Curious George and was not convinced of his innocence. She thought he was malicious like her and admired his trouble making. She thought Ivan would be good partner in crime (as it would be nice to have one as it is hard to make friends when you strive to make everyone unhappy.)

But Ivan did not take enthusiasm in her games. He did not bother anyone else. He was content anywhere doing anything and usually just sat there eating bananas. This infuriated Patricia and she began to turn her torments on him. The first thing she did was deny him bananas, but Ivan was fine eating anything given him. So she denied him food. He ate carpet lint and made no complaint. Things continued on this way for a couple of weeks. Patricia made him sleep outside, stay in the closet all day, clean the horse stables, she tapped him in the face for 5 straight hours (the most peaceful 5 hours for everyone else in the house in many years. ) No matter what she did she would not receive a reaction.

Ivan for his part had never spent so much time with one person and while he truly was not annoyed by her antics, he understood that he was hers and this made him care a little, but only a little. He felt she must really like him to spend more than a few moments talking to him or more than a few days owning him. Patricia on the other hand was growing furious. She began throwing temper tantrums that would wake the neighborhood she took no interest in anything else except trying to make Ivan react. She even feigned being nice to him in the hopes of snatching that niceness away- nothing.

After 5 months Patricia went crazy. She absolutely lost her mind. One day after pestering Ivan with a fly swatter she went and sat in the middle of the yard and ceased to care. She became almost as indifferent as Ivan. Everyone was SO HAPPY about the change in her that they hailed Ivan as a hero. Ivan became famous in his own way and everyone was willing to give him whatever he wanted. But all Ivan wanted in the end was to sit out in the lawn with Patricia and care about nothing. It was his only sign of affection for anything. They grew old together this way. Not even really caring about each other fully and staring off into space eating bananas.

*Note

All Silly Stories will be written in traditional fashion. I.E. I will sit down for 10-15 minutes and knock it out on the spot and give a gentle once over before publishing.
This means there is likely to be typing errors. I am using Fire Fox spell check and the Blog spell check so they will be better than before and with the helpful edit option, if anything is to atrocious I can fix it.

Also I will try my best to write at least one a week.

They're Baaaack....

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