Miss Red: The Really Real Story of Little Red Riding Hood

Everyone has told and re-told and re-told again the story of Little Red Riding Hood. There are even versions where Little Red Riding Hood seduces the wolf in order to birth the first werewolf – not kidding here! But really what surprises me more isn't the insane number of versions there are out there but how intact the story manages to stay over all this time.

I mean, think about that game Telephone where you whisper a message into your friend's ear and they pass it one and so forth until you get to the end and it is something completely new. That's the fun of it after all, and there are probably a few people in the line who intentionally garble the message to make it more interesting.

Well, that's how real life works too, and I would continue to be impressed if it wasn't for the matter that most of the story isn't even accurate. You've got a little girl dressed all in red skipping off into the woods to deliver food to Grandma. Somewhere along the way, she is pursued by a wolf, and a confrontation happens at Grandma's house. This is what they all agree on.

Well as the great great great great great great great great granddaughter of Little Miss Red herself and the owner of her diary, I'm here to tell you that the whole thing is basically bullocks.

First of all, Red isn't a color or a nickname. It is our family name. Her name actually was Sylvia Red, and she wasn't no itsty bitsy thing either. Nor was she a teenage seductress. She was 12. The cloak is just ridiculous and so is the hat. What fool goes into the woods wearing the brightest colors possible? This wasn't exactly in the time of search and rescue, and if that were the case, she'd probably be known as Miss Orange or Miss Fluorescent Yellow. In fact, fashion was such a nonissue she doesn't even mention what she was wearing in her diary.

The woman she was delivering to wasn't her grandma either. She was just an old lady that lived in the woods that the village people took turns checking in on. Before the old broad got all tired and out of sorts, she was like a pillar of the community or something. Everyone called her Grand-mere. Anyhow, it was a sad story but the poor old dear was practically completely insane by the time Miss Red made her oh so famous trip.

Now here's the biggest surprise yet! There was no wolf. Yeah, you heard me. No wolf. First of all, wolves only bothered you if they were starved anyway, which just wasn't the case in this area. Secondly, people had more an issue with bears and the occasional snake or wild boar. Foxes were wily but would run if they saw you, so unless you had chickens they weren't an issue.

No, Miss Red arrived at Grand-mere's in tact and a bit bored.

So what's the big deal, you ask? Well, when my great great great great great great great great grandma got to Grand-mere's house, Grand-mere was outside running around naked, chasing chickens, and howling at the moon, even though it was high noon. Miss Red tried to calm her down, but Grand-mere simply barked at her, then plopped in the dirt, and performed an illicit and pathetic attempt to lick her own butt.

Eventually, Miss Red was able to lure the old broad in by taunting her with one of the more docile chickens. She felt sorry for the old woman and decided that she would tell the town people that only she would take care of her anymore. You see, this was a time where you could be burned for being a witch or some crazy nonsense, and my so many greats grandmother just didn't think that a fitting end for Grand-mere. So she continued to make trips and help the old woman out. This lasted for about a year. But soon, Grand-mere started to sneak off at night and raid people's farms. She never did any harm, just startled the animals and scarred a few young lads brave enough to investigate only to be rewarded by seeing her wrinkly, wobbly fanny by light of the moon.

But after another year, people began to talk you see. So what Miss Red did was admittedly a bit drastic. She decided to disguise herself as a wolf and go tell Grand-mere that she made a horrible woodland creature and to return to being a person. So that is what she did. Only it didn't work. Grand-mere actually had the nerve to argue with her. Well, they got into a big old fight and Grand-mere ran away naked into the woods, this time in broad daylight. So Miss Red chased her, in her costume, straight to and then straight through town.

It was quite a hallalopp since it was market day in the square. Vegetables were tossed and more people were scarred by the day-lit nudity. Oh, and you should have heard the shirking when they saw what they thought was a wolf running on two legs. Clearly, this is what had been scaring the old lady out of the woods every night. Probably harassing her whenever she bathed (they bathed outside you see).

So people did what they always did in big groups and they freaked the fuck out. They sent a woodsman to guard Grand-mere's door and set up nightly hunts for this monster wolf. Well, the woodsman sent his son instead. He was still good with an axe, but the woodsman didn't beleive in a big walking talking wolves, especially ones that squealed like little girls when vegetables smacked into it. Well the woodsman's son –and this part of the story is true – was very fetching and quite sweet. So Miss Red simply explained the situation to him, and they both worked together to keep Grand-mere's craziness both under-wraps and confined to her own yard. Between the two of them they were able to keep her nightly runs down to the area around her cabin. They grew quite found of each other over the years, given all the time they spent watching the old lady.

Now, I can't tell you for certain that Miss Red ever wore her wolf suit again, but I like to imagine that the bit about the Woodsman cutting her out of the wolf's belly is really referring to him sexyily ripping off Miss Red's wolf costume before making hot passionate love to her in the chicken coop. Splitting right into her if you will. (Don't freak! They were at least 16 by this point, and back then they'd be getting arranged marriages if they didn't pick their own soon anyhow.)

Afterall, he did end up being my great great great great great great great great grandfather, and Miss Red's diary becomes a bit romantic soon after their encounter.

At any rate, the hunts for the wolf eventually stopped as people became bored and convinced they'd all eaten bad imported fruit or something resulting in a shared hallucination. Don't ask me! Though I suspect Miss Red had something to do with the suggestion.  Grand-mere eventually passed and there you have it. A ball of rumors passed down generation after generation. So there it is: A lot less scariness and naivety and  a lot more crazy and much more sexy.

But, go ahead and believe whatever you want. Who am I to expose Grand-mere's insanity after all these years?

The End

Moral: If you want to meet the right guy, disguise yourself as a wolf and chase a crazy naked woman through the town square.