Victor the Cranky Vampire

Victor was a vampire, and he was cranky.

It seemed to him that something had gone wrong with the world. There had been a time when everyone feared him, and since frighted people were the most tasty, this made his dining pleasure quite exquisite. However, along came some Mormon chick with silly, fictional ideas and the world the turned on him. And it wasn't just her. Suddenly TV, movies, fan fiction, bookstores, bathroom stalls --it seemed everywhere, the idea that vampires were in fact nice, no worse, tamable!

Victor just couldn't beleive it. He wasn't sure what had happened. There had been plenty of attempts in the past to make Vampires seem cool or not quite so bad, and though interesting, they never effected his life. But after having to slump away from yet ANOTHER silly girl screaming in his ear -- not from terror, not "Oh my God don't eat me!" but from excitement and joy, "Oh My God, you're a vampire!!! Please Please Please make me a vampire too! Do you want to marry me?"-- he just couldn't take it any more.

Happy people just weren't as tasty and their squeals were far more annoying. He'd rather them at least try to kill him. At least that was exciting. Got the blood pumping and all that.

What was even worse though was that Victor was quite convinced he had a stalker. He'd sensed her peeping him his windows more than once and her shiny red convertible was not exactly covert. Now, Victor was a fan of stalking. He thought it a most pleasing past time, but somehow when it was he being the one stalked, it just didn't seem as fun. Plus it put a damper on his own stalking schedule. Something about sitting there being watched watching someone just made him uncomfortable, and well, cranky.

So Victor got an idea. He would show the world once and for all just how utterly terrifying he was and that vampires were not only real, but dangerous! He would need a lot of publicity. Something to make a really big show of it.

So Victor picked the Today Show. He figured there would be plenty of people watching and the shock of seeing him would help increase the fear. He planned on terrifying everyone. He'd take a bite out of Al and throw Matt through the glass. He had to admit he regretted this a little. He secretly enjoyed their show and these were his two favorite people, but he had a statement to make after all.

So the next morning (that whole burning sun thing is a lie, at least the Mormon chick had one thing right) he flew (like a bat, but not as a bat. That would just be silly) down to the street where all the people were crowded with their cardboard signs and happy faces. They gasped at he sight of him and for a moment, he was happy. He showed them his teeth and gave an evil hiss, but just as he was about to pounce on poor Al, the crowd started cheering and applauding. Al wandered over with the mic and asked him who he was.

"I am Victor the Vampire," said Victor. "I am going to eat you all!!"

The crowd went wild, but not in the way Victor was hoping. Suddenly they broke past the the little metal bike racks that were meant to contain them and the ambushed Victor.

For a brief moment, Victor thought they were an angry mob, only pitchforkless. But as the girls and guys rushed him and started screaming "Bite me! Bite me!" he realized how wrong he was. Soon he was buried under at last 50 joyous bodies, all exerting their happy pheromones, smelling up the place; it was completely unappetizing and he almost threw up his breakfast (a lost puppy, the only things that still had sense enough to fear him).

Then one girl actually thrust her neck into his mouth, her hair getting in his eyes and nose, and Victor used his super vampire strength to fly straight up out of the crowd. He also threw up a little in his mouth.

But he swallowed it down and hovering about 10 feet above them (just out of reach Thank God!) he demanded, "What the bloody hell is wrong with you people? I am a VAMPIRE! I am scary! I want to eat you for breakfast!" But the crowd just went wild. Someone in the back yelled, "I love you!" and another "Aw, you don't mean it!"

Victor grabbed an innocent out of the crowd by the back of his shirt and threatened to eat him. The crowd applauded, great show, great show. Victor really would have eaten him too, if the guy hadn't looked up at him with a big dorky grin and inquired, "does this mean I'll be able to fly too!"

That was the last straw. Victor dropped the guy and flew away, the guy's threats of suing for breaking a verbal contract ringing in his ears as he fled America.

Victor hid out in Russia for a few weeks. He tried to avoid the news. After his big appearance things had only gotten worse. Even the people who wanted to kill him (few as they were) were just too happy about it to be appetizing. He spent his days eating puppies, playing solitaire, and renting videos off Netflix. Until he was nearly starving. Lost puppies just were not a fitting diet.

Then one night as he was sitting back shaking his head at the final episode of Walking Dead demanding the TV tell him what made Zombies just so terrifying since real zombies didn't even want to eat people (They were more useless than mummies. Just wandering around like idiots), a thought occurred to him.

That night, he went hunting. Only instead of his normal dark suit and suave hairdo, he covered himself in smelly ratty clothes and used leftovers from his lunch to create realistic wounds. And he stalked about the alley behind a night club, just like a zombie.

And what do you know? It worked. The guy taking out the trash was terrified and tried to beat him with a trashcan lid. Lucky for Victor he wasn't really a zombie. It wasn't really lucky for the guy taking out the trash, but at least Victor did him a favor: He made damn certain the guy wouldn't come back as a vampire.

And in this way, Victor lived happily ever after, for quite some time.

The End

Moral: If fame isn't for you, you should probably spend your nights stalking around alleys full of trash cans.