There once was a girl name Grupunzel. Grupunzel was a carefree girl with a short attention span who wasn't very bright, but she was very beautiful. One day she was outside and grew tired of tromping through her mother's flowers and decided to go tromping through her neighbor's flowers instead. Unfortunately for Grupunzel, her neighbor was a wicked witch and when she caught Grupunzel tromping through her flowers she threatened to turn her and her family into toads.
Grupunzel (who really despised toads) was beside herself with sadness and she cried great big tears until the witch cut her a deal. She either became a toad or become the witch's prisoner for life. Grupunzel was very ignorant of the carefree life of toads. All she knew was that she did not want to be stinky and have to eat bugs, nor did she want this for her family. So she agreed to become the witch's prisoner.
The witch was old, ugly, and very absentminded. For all these reasons, and perhaps too because she was wicked, she was also lonely. She had a brilliant plan to use Grupunzel to lure handsome princes into her home where she could put spells on them and have her way with them. These types of spells were fairly week and required an expectation of beauty and a fine meal, and they always wore off after a few days. The witch's plan was to lure the princes with Grupunzel's beauty. Then she would feed them a fine meal with a promise to introduce them to the beautiful girl (who she would keep in a tower.) Then she would zap them and have her way with them.
The witch, knowing of no other way to contain Grupunzel and wanting her voice to be heard from afar and her pretty face to also be seen from afar, set to build a a very tall tower with no doors or staircase. She planned to keep Grupunzel in there until her hair grew long enough to use as a rope. This way there never had to be any tricky business with a ladder except one time - when she placed Grupunzel in the tower. She had the tower built in a secret and remote location so that no one would find Grupunzel who wasn't supposed to.
Grupunzel, who was deftly afraid of heights, cried the whole way up and the witch had to poke her in the behind with a twig to urge her forward. Once they made it to the top the witch explained to Grupunzel what was expected of her. While she was explaining a large bird landed on the ladder outside, distracting Grupunzel who still had a short attention span. The witch tried to shoo the bird away and when it would not go she zapped it with a bit of magic. The bird was so startled that it tried to fly away with the ladder. It only made it 5 feet, but it was enough. The ladder fell away from the tower.
Grupunzel's hair was no where near long enough to climb down and the best the witch could manage was a few choice words about how that was why she didn't want to use a damn ladder in the first place. Absentminded as she was, she did not have her spell book with her, and the only spell she had ever successfully memorized besides a few defenses spells (like the zap spell) was how to turn dust into cheese.
So the witch and Grupunzel wasted away their days eating lots of cheese, playing a lot of card games, and waiting for Grupunzel's hair to grow. It was very dull and Grupunzel whined often. At least, thought the witch, she had bothered to pipe indoor plumbing up to the top. Because of all the cheese and sitting around (there was a treadmill in the corner but neither of them touched it) Grupunzel and the witch grew very fat and constipated. Even if Grupunzel's hair was long enough to climb down there was no way that witch was fitting through the window.
Grupunzel was forced to often sit by the window and sing in hopes that a prince, preferably a prince but soon ANYONE would do, would come by with a ladder and at least let the witch down. But no one came, even though Grupunzel was still a very beautiful large woman. The witch began to realize that perhaps the location she had picked for the tower was too remote, too secret. No one ever seemed to come by, least of all anyone with a ladder.
After a few years Grupunzel and the witch were thoroughly sick of each other. Grupunzel was sick of the witch, sick of the tower room, sick of cards, sick of the view, and very, very, very sick of cheese. The witch felt the same way, but in addition had to listen to Grupunzel whine so often, she very nearly remembered a muting spell - until she remembered Grupunzel needed her voice to lure in strangers of goodwill.
Then one day they heard a slight cracking sound. Grupunzel thought the witch had flatulence, but before the witch could deny it some bit of the ceiling fell. Then there was a tremor and more shaking. The tower was collapsing under the weight of Grupunzel and the witch. They had surpassed the weight capacity and the their heavy steps were finally going to bring it down.
The tower collapsed and their fat and a really large and plush mattress protected them from death. They rolled around on their backs trying to free themselves. The effort was too much for the witch who had started out much fatter and older than Grupunzel, and she had a heart attack and died. Grupunzel was at first happy, she was finally free. But she found she could not stand up without help - and wouldn't you know it, a prince came by. He happened to be lost. With the help of his horse he pulled her to her feet. In her happiness she told him the whole true story. The prince listened keeping his eyebrows creased at the more disturbing parts.
He took her on a long journey (it wasn't far they just had to move slowly) to his kingdom. The journey was hard and there was little to eat and Grupunzel began to lose weight. She liked her new found flexibility and the changing scenery so much that she vowed to become an explorer. She worked out relentlessly. And because she was so glad to talk to ANYONE who wasn't the witch she talked to EVERYONE. She became very known in the kingdom, then very popular, and the pride started to go to her head. She moved to a different kingdom, changed a few details in her story and changed her name to Rupunzel. She married the handsome prince there and lead many great adventures. She also made millions selling custom made work out videos and she never ate cheese again.
The End
Moral: It's never too late for a new you even after you gain 800 pounds from eating nothing but cheese.
