This classic silly story is a bit dark in nature, and perhaps goes too much in the way of "A Modest Proposal" but it was a requested story at the time, and with a few small updates perhaps isn't as offensive as it was in its former version. But, that is for you to decide.
Silly Story 112
The Asshole Pill: A Public Service Announcement
It has become an imposingly obvious intrusion upon the mind that the once societal world has become over run with an abundance of assholes. Such things would make one want to retreat from society, or the strands of which still remain, and bring on natural selection.
Natural selection of course being the natural way of doing things until bumbling humans (most likely assholeic in nature or at least nonassholes who were short sighted in their efforts) removed its necessity, preserving it only for the furred, feathered, and scaled. It is even such that the furred, feathered, and scaled are often saved from this brutal form of purification by more bumbling humans. It is this kindness by nonassholes that actually perpetuates the asshole problem, however. We must save them for they cannot save themselves.
You would think such kindness would be rewarded; however, only the assholeic in nature are the ones that are truly protected in natural selection's absence. If you are somehow lost in this scientific but simply described parade of words you are either assholeic in nature or you need to read it again slowly and calmly and be glad we’re not sticking you in a safe that is slowly sinking to the ocean floor.
Now understanding (or not) this difficult concept, you can understand that a perturbed little creature named Sarah had taken great notice upon this. If you are well read in such popular and scholarly readings such as Silly Stories, you would remember her friendly tale of enlightenment. In short, she knows the meaning of life. However, even something as pure and gratifying as that was not enough to block out the surging increase of assholes. (Alas she was not as thick as the famed penguin Joe.)
So, Sarah made a call to a little known dabbler in pharmaceuticals, other wise known as Marv. He made a simple, somber, straightforward request and went back to her smiley self. Marv got to work right away. She had been considering ditching pharmaceuticals to go into massage therapy, but no genius could turn down Sarah's brilliant request.
So 14 weeks, 2 days, 12 hours, 6 minutes, and 2.5 seconds later, Marv had created the Darwin pill. The Darwin pill is composed of a numerous amount of sedatives, things we can't pronounce unless we were well trained pharmacists, a load of special ingredients, and fragments of M&M's. This special little blue hazed tablet is other wise known as The Asshole Pill. If an asshole should take it, he should die within the hour. It is considered by many that this is natural selection’s way of evening things out. If the said person is dumb enough to take it, then he truly is assholeic in nature and deserves what is coming to him. There is no fear of anyone non-assholeic in nature to attempt consuming the pill. For again, if you are dumb enough to, you deserve what is coming. Children are also put off by it's foul smell and taste and spit it out if they should come across it by accident; if the child fails to do so, it is safely assumed they would have grown into an asshole. And all is well.
In a further attempt to make the Asshole Pill marketable, the labeling designers have been quite blunt about the pill and its purpose. There is no hidden trick. Yet, test subjects proved that despite clear warning signs, they somehow felt themselves immune or above such things as science. It is not their fault. We’ve protected them for so long and they think so highly of themselves, it is the only logical conclusion. But I digress. Despite clear warnings, the assholes would consume the pill anyway. 100% of the time. For assholes who could not read, a delightfully clear illustration is printed on the back of the bottle and again on the pill itself.
A few assholes tried to pawn their pills off on those who were not assholes. They were somehow in denial about the definition of an asshole, and seeing those not-actual-assholes survive, took it upon themselves to consume the pill.
Despite these extensive studies and clear labeling ethics, the Asshole pill is being held off the market by certain religious factions, those who do not understand its necessity, and a plenty of Assholes. However, one of the trucks transporting the special med got, lost as it were. And you may purchase an Asshole pill down any dark alley, small closet, or just call Sarah or Marv.
WARNING: If you have an overly bad feeling about this pill or have a sudden craving for it, you may be an asshole and you should call Sarah or Marv IMMEDIATELY for a better diagnoses. Thank you and have a nice day.
UPDATE: While the pill is still being held off the market, many have started to suggest an asshole rehabilitation program be put into effect immediately. This of course is the preferable course of action, and not a new idea. As you can imagine, despite our efforts for nearly all of civilization to make such a program successful, it continues to be thwarted by assholes.
The End
Moral: You're either born an asshole, or you work at it your whole life. Either way it works out fine, cause you'll get an asshole pill some dark and stormy night.
