Victor the Cranky Vampire

Victor was a vampire, and he was cranky.

It seemed to him that something had gone wrong with the world. There had been a time when everyone feared him, and since frighted people were the most tasty, this made his dining pleasure quite exquisite. However, along came some Mormon chick with silly, fictional ideas and the world the turned on him. And it wasn't just her. Suddenly TV, movies, fan fiction, bookstores, bathroom stalls --it seemed everywhere, the idea that vampires were in fact nice, no worse, tamable!

Victor just couldn't beleive it. He wasn't sure what had happened. There had been plenty of attempts in the past to make Vampires seem cool or not quite so bad, and though interesting, they never effected his life. But after having to slump away from yet ANOTHER silly girl screaming in his ear -- not from terror, not "Oh my God don't eat me!" but from excitement and joy, "Oh My God, you're a vampire!!! Please Please Please make me a vampire too! Do you want to marry me?"-- he just couldn't take it any more.

Happy people just weren't as tasty and their squeals were far more annoying. He'd rather them at least try to kill him. At least that was exciting. Got the blood pumping and all that.

What was even worse though was that Victor was quite convinced he had a stalker. He'd sensed her peeping him his windows more than once and her shiny red convertible was not exactly covert. Now, Victor was a fan of stalking. He thought it a most pleasing past time, but somehow when it was he being the one stalked, it just didn't seem as fun. Plus it put a damper on his own stalking schedule. Something about sitting there being watched watching someone just made him uncomfortable, and well, cranky.

So Victor got an idea. He would show the world once and for all just how utterly terrifying he was and that vampires were not only real, but dangerous! He would need a lot of publicity. Something to make a really big show of it.

So Victor picked the Today Show. He figured there would be plenty of people watching and the shock of seeing him would help increase the fear. He planned on terrifying everyone. He'd take a bite out of Al and throw Matt through the glass. He had to admit he regretted this a little. He secretly enjoyed their show and these were his two favorite people, but he had a statement to make after all.

So the next morning (that whole burning sun thing is a lie, at least the Mormon chick had one thing right) he flew (like a bat, but not as a bat. That would just be silly) down to the street where all the people were crowded with their cardboard signs and happy faces. They gasped at he sight of him and for a moment, he was happy. He showed them his teeth and gave an evil hiss, but just as he was about to pounce on poor Al, the crowd started cheering and applauding. Al wandered over with the mic and asked him who he was.

"I am Victor the Vampire," said Victor. "I am going to eat you all!!"

The crowd went wild, but not in the way Victor was hoping. Suddenly they broke past the the little metal bike racks that were meant to contain them and the ambushed Victor.

For a brief moment, Victor thought they were an angry mob, only pitchforkless. But as the girls and guys rushed him and started screaming "Bite me! Bite me!" he realized how wrong he was. Soon he was buried under at last 50 joyous bodies, all exerting their happy pheromones, smelling up the place; it was completely unappetizing and he almost threw up his breakfast (a lost puppy, the only things that still had sense enough to fear him).

Then one girl actually thrust her neck into his mouth, her hair getting in his eyes and nose, and Victor used his super vampire strength to fly straight up out of the crowd. He also threw up a little in his mouth.

But he swallowed it down and hovering about 10 feet above them (just out of reach Thank God!) he demanded, "What the bloody hell is wrong with you people? I am a VAMPIRE! I am scary! I want to eat you for breakfast!" But the crowd just went wild. Someone in the back yelled, "I love you!" and another "Aw, you don't mean it!"

Victor grabbed an innocent out of the crowd by the back of his shirt and threatened to eat him. The crowd applauded, great show, great show. Victor really would have eaten him too, if the guy hadn't looked up at him with a big dorky grin and inquired, "does this mean I'll be able to fly too!"

That was the last straw. Victor dropped the guy and flew away, the guy's threats of suing for breaking a verbal contract ringing in his ears as he fled America.

Victor hid out in Russia for a few weeks. He tried to avoid the news. After his big appearance things had only gotten worse. Even the people who wanted to kill him (few as they were) were just too happy about it to be appetizing. He spent his days eating puppies, playing solitaire, and renting videos off Netflix. Until he was nearly starving. Lost puppies just were not a fitting diet.

Then one night as he was sitting back shaking his head at the final episode of Walking Dead demanding the TV tell him what made Zombies just so terrifying since real zombies didn't even want to eat people (They were more useless than mummies. Just wandering around like idiots), a thought occurred to him.

That night, he went hunting. Only instead of his normal dark suit and suave hairdo, he covered himself in smelly ratty clothes and used leftovers from his lunch to create realistic wounds. And he stalked about the alley behind a night club, just like a zombie.

And what do you know? It worked. The guy taking out the trash was terrified and tried to beat him with a trashcan lid. Lucky for Victor he wasn't really a zombie. It wasn't really lucky for the guy taking out the trash, but at least Victor did him a favor: He made damn certain the guy wouldn't come back as a vampire.

And in this way, Victor lived happily ever after, for quite some time.

The End

Moral: If fame isn't for you, you should probably spend your nights stalking around alleys full of trash cans.

Classic Silly Story of the Month: May "A Muddy Tragedy"

Each month a classic silly story from the old mailing list will be posted for those who are curious and those who are nostalgic. This month's story is in honor of a very loyal silly story fan who has supported the stories, even while they were sleeping (but not in the creeping I-was-watching-you-sleep kind of way). Though she doesn't actually go by Kendra the Krush, the silly stories will always remember her as such.

Enjoy!

"A Muddy Tragedy "

It has become tradition for many sororities to show how truly reformed and sophisticated they are by having an annual romp in the mud. Or, as it is more commonly known, a mud wrestling competition. As sophisticated as this dirty sport is, it can get quite rough. Never underestimate the furry of a sorority girl covered in mud from head to toe. The ones who have, have never been heard from again.

 This particular story is in fact about one of the fiercest mud wrestlers in the land. The babe that made all the other mud rollers hike up their bikini strings and bound out of the mud pit. The one, the only, the muddy, Kendra the Krush! She had 44 wins in 43. (She gave one girl such a wrasle, the judges decided it HAD to count for two wins.) She had the power. She had the love. She had the umph. She had the official no-slip mud-wreslin' special edition swimsuit. She walked the walk. She talked the talk. She was unbeatable and unbelievable. She was Kendra the Krush. And when she was asked to visit Rolla and participate in the annual mud wrestling competition, she was honored.

 She said "Sure thing." She slipped on her official no-slip mud-wrestling special edition swimsuit (the blue one) and headed right over. The competition was a piece of cake. The first wrasle of the day, Kendra the Krush V.S. Tina the tiny. Not a very fair match perhaps, but there was no fair match for Kendra the Krush. Tina the Tiny tottered in and gently stepped into the mud pit, giggling like a nervous apple fritter in front of a hungry chipmunk. Then the crowd silenced and stepped aside. Kendra the Krush had entered the room. They watched as she gracefully made her way to the mud pit. Everyone watched as she hiked her leg to step proudly into the mud pit. Her foot came down – right onto of a harden bikini top left from last season, stopping her foot about six inches before it was intended to. She paused, grimacing at the pain that shot up her ankle all the way to the bottom rim of her blue official no-slip mud wrestling special edition swimsuit.

She then let out a slight squeal and fell into the mud.

The whole crowd rushed forward to her aid and rushed her immediately to the hospital where it was discovered that her ankle had been broken and dislocated! With no way else to call it, Tiny the Tiny took the win. Kendra the Krush's mud wreslin days were over. Even if her ankle healed in time for next year’s competition, the humiliation was just too much.

So that's the story of how Kendra's the Krush's career as a mud wrestler came to an end. But do not feel bad for Kendra. In the Hospital she met a very good looking and rich doctor who fell immediately in love with her, and they lived happily ever after.

P.S.
It was of course later discovered that the doctor, Amanda, was not really a doctor. Kendra was perfectly fine with this of course, though why Amanda was at the hospital dressed as a doctor was never really discussed. But perhaps that is another story. ;)

The End

Moral: Beware a harden bikini top hidden within the mud, for humiliation and someone named Tiny are sure to follow.

The Announcement

A Quick Note: The following story "The Announcement" was actually written as a part of the NYCMidnight's 2009 Flash Fiction Contest. I had 24 hours to write a 1000 word political satire that mentioned an air conditioner and that took place in a recording studio. I had never written a real political satire before and typed up a bunch of hooey before arriving at this, which I was still a bit surprised to see qualified. Though I had 48 hours to pull it together instead of 1/2 an hour, I feel that this tale is still a Silly Story at its heart and very center, and since I know not what else to do with it, here is just as good a home as any. Since I'm spending the next two days in D.C., it is also a rather fitting way to kick off the re-revival.

"The Announcement"

 

Media adjusted his mic again, checked the levels one more time, and tapped the counter.

“Excuse me,” said Liberty, pushing her crown back up, “I don’t mean to be a bother, but can we get started? The heat in here is killer and this ever burning torch is well. . . ever burning.”

“That’s not what I heard,” Church said, grinding his teeth.

“I’m sorry,” Media said. “I placed a work order for the air conditioner a week ago. I’m dying in here. They’re really slow. I’m thinking of doing a story on it actually. Give a human face to it—”

“Before we get too hasty,” State said eyeing the silent device in the window, “did you fill the form out correctly?”

“They kept sending it back to me. Something about procedure.”

State nodded. “It seems they know what they’re doing then.”

“Freedom of speech aside,” Liberty cut in, “I’d really appreciate if we could get a move on.” She smiled politely, waving her torch again for Media to see.

Media checked his dials one more time. “I can’t convince you to go on live? The station’s got central air.”

“Tempting,” said Liberty, “but Justice prefers an uninterrupted recording. This studio will do.”

Justice nodded and adjusted her damp blindfold.

“Ok,” said Media and pressed record. “Good Evening! We’ve got a little bit different of a show for you tonight. I’ve still got celebrities, but tonight’s theme is togetherness. No, no big reunions. This relationship is over 200 years old. Please welcome the very beautiful, Lady Liberty and, her partner in the pursuit of happiness, Lady Justice. And here with them tonight, both famous and infamous, Church and State! Welcome.

Now Miss Liberty, it seems that you have a very astonishing announcement that you want to make to the American public.”

“Indeed we do. For years now the public has been aware of mine and Justice’s partnership.”

“And what a beautiful partnership it is.”

“Well, we would agree,” continued Liberty, “and that’s why we want the world to know of it as it truly is.”

Justice reached over and rubbed the top of Liberty’s knee gently.

Media immediately wished he had talked them into doing a televised interview instead.

“We’re getting married,” she finished.

Media immediately regretted not pushing harder for a live show.

“Officially—” began Justice.

“I just want to say that I disapprove,” said Church strongly. “Not of their love. Although it’s against most of my religions, it’s been bloody obvious for years! The real issue is how it reflects on State and I as their roommates. We already have a questionable reputation.”

“Rumors,” said State. “Only rumors. Polls indicate that few believe it.”

“Someone believed it!” Church went on in a fluster. “Why else would they bother working up so much paper work to officially separates us?”

“Precautions,” State sighed. “Procedure.”

Justice nodded.

“Are you implying the precautions aren't necessary?” asked Media.

“Not exactly,” said State, “but the fear that taking such measures indicates is simply absurd. Church and I don’t want to be legally paired and never will be. It’s bad enough living with him. Don’t get me wrong. He’s a really nice guy. Wonderful cook, throws fabulous shindigs, great taste for wine. But a horrible roommate. Leaves dirty laundry everywhere. . . But what can you do? The economy and all that. Got to do what you have to.” State waved his hand loosely to emphasize his point.

“Yes,” said Media, “everything is due to the bad economy. But do you take Church’s position on the ladies’ announcement?”

“It’s complicated,” said State.

“I respect their concern for their reputation,” said Liberty, “but it’s time. Justice and I deserve a legitimate, public marriage.”

“Public? What’s not public about it now? They hold hands and kiss everywhere they go!” Church cried.

“On the cheek,” Liberty said.

“All girls do that,” said State, fanning himself with the air conditioner’s instruction manual.

Justice shook her head.

“All girls do not do that,” said Church. “Just like you tried to convince me that all roommates get a little drunk now and again and accidently make out! It just isn’t true!”

Liberty sighed, switched her torch to her other hand. Media’s jaw was hanging open. He barely had time to confirm he was still recording.

“He spiked my seltzer,” explained Church.

“Everyone makes mistakes,” said State. “I spiked your seltzer cause I wanted you to loosen up a bit. The other part. . . Well, I was so drunk I thought you were Liberty.”

“When are you just going to accept that Liberty loves Justice more than you? No wonder you can’t see their lesbian flaunting,” Church demanded, exasperated.

Justice sighed.

“I would hardly call it flaunting,” said Liberty.

“You know,” said Media, “Church does have a point. You two have a reputation for being friendly. Also, there is the matter of the pictures of you and Justice groping each other at the last inauguration.”

“Oh, Justice had a piece of fuzz on her chest. That’s all.”

Justice blushed.

“No it wasn’t,” said Church loosening his collar. “Even if it was, I’m surprised how quickly that went over. Sure, the pictures are bouncing around dorm rooms, but otherwise— no backlash. Nothing. But State tries to knock a tea bug off my back at a picnic and everyone goes wild! We’re just friends!”

“It was a nasty bug,” said State, “and I wouldn’t even go as far as to call us friends. As for the pictures of the ladies, lesbians are more acceptable than gay men.”

Justice shook her head and frowned. Church looked puzzled.

“They’re sexy,” continued State, “and possibly not completely gay.”

Media nodded in agreement.

“You may be right on one count," sighed Church.

“I've been with a woman for centuries!" cried Liberty. "The same woman. Which brings me to our next announcement: We’re pregnant.”

“That’s not possible,” cried Church and State.

“They have a point,” said Media, his eyes wide.

“Oh, new technologies can do wonders!” said Liberty. “We plan to name our first born Compromise.”

“I can’t abide this,” said Church.

“We shouldn’t need anyone’s permission,” said Liberty. “Thank you, Media, for listening, but I believe the interview is through.”

Liberty stood, took Justice’s hand, and together they walked out.

“This is Inconceivable,” said Church.

“This is complicated,” said State.

“This is news!” said Media.

The air conditioner remained silent.

It's Coming. . .

The re-revival is on its way!

The site's been re-designed and in honor of the second silly story collection coming to print, I'm re-reviving the blog, for real this time. Seriously. Go ahead and get excited. We're sticking to the old quota of at least once a week, but no longer than every two.

In the meantime, sit tight and wait for the next round.
A non-handmade version of  A Short Stack of Silly Shorts for the Morally Sidetracked will soon be available, and shortly following that, a second collection of Silly Stories both new and old.

Sorry for the delay between tales, but brighter things are coming!